June 2
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~ Dave Barry
Spring venues have pretty much expired. As the weather warms and daylight lingers, reporting turns mainly to outdoor eating and music. Let the new season begin . . . ~ Me
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. ~ Dave Barry
May 7
It’s All Anthony . . .
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. ~ Dave Barry
[An afternoon with Anthony Miltich at Carlos Creek Winery . . . ]

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. ~ Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. ~ Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. ~ Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. ~ Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. ~ Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ~ Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. ~ Dave Barry

‘Escargot’ is French for ‘fat crawling bag of phlegm’. ~ Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. ~ Dave Barry

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. ~ Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. ~ Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. ~ Dave Barry

May 8
The Class of ’65 Goes to Lunch . . .
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~ Dave Barry

[The Class of ’65 got together for lunch for the first time since 1936, as a result of things COVID and excess wintery. 17 of our brethren and sistren showed up at Boulder Tap House for food and discussion. Some people came from as far away as Alexandria. Several seemed to be amazed that you could both graduate from high school and still be alive at age 75. There were, however, significant lapses in the retention of teacher names. We pledged to do better next time . . . ]

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ~ Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ~ Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. ~ Dave Barry

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. ~ Dave Barry
[p.s. Ruthie snuck in as a spouse – I’m not sure if that’s legal?]

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ~ Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ~ Dave Barry

It’s Me, Margaret . . .
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. ~ Dave Barry
[The best movie reviews I had seen in a long time. Thus, it was a must see movie. The reviews were correct . . . ]

You should not confuse your career with your life. ~ Dave Barry
[OK, the movie held our attention better than the expressions here . . . ]

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~ Dave Barry
[The day ended with a pie invite from friends – first pizza, then ala mode for dessert . . . ]

May 10
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. ~ Dave Barry
[Wednesday night fine dining at the golf club. The turkey commercial allegedly had fewer calories than a week’s worth of sales at DQ . . . ]

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins. ~ Dave Barry
[OK, we took them home and made three more meals out of them . . . ]

May 13
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ~ Dave Barry
[“Now why do cops Love donut shops Donuts tend to make them big and strong and tough-n” ~ Jack Ellison]

May 14
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~ Dave Barry
[Jami dropped by for a visit from “up north” . . . ]

May 16
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. ~ Dave Barry
[It’s the summer of roundabout construction in the Alexandria metropolitan area . . . ]

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl. ~ Dave Barry
[The grass is green, the trees are greening, but the shoreline reed and cattail beds are still a work in progress . . . ]

Tuesday Nightclub
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. ~ Dave Barry
[With Tuesday Nightclub at the Garden Bar on 6th – I enjoyed the salmon . . . ]

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. ~ Dave Barry
[Emeritus musicians Jim, Terry, Bill, and Al . . . ]

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~ Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. ~ Dave Barry
[The one thing I know for sure is that this does not fall within the scope of my “sticks and twigs” diet . . . ]

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter. ~ Dave Barry

Guys care about sports teams. I’m not talking about simply rooting; I’m talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows. ~ Dave Barry

He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife. ~ Dave Barry

“In our language,” he said, “Alf means squid poop.” ~ Dave Barry

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. ~ Dave Barry

May 17
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ~ Dave Barry
[The Alberta wildfires as seen from Alexandria . . . ]

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. ~ Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. ~ Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. ~ Dave Barry

I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care. ~ Dave Barry
[The Resorters on my birth year . . . ]

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. ~ Dave Barry

May 18
The Babies
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals. ~ Dave Barry
[The babies in the guest bedroom waiting for Mom to come home . . . ]

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. ~ Dave Barry

May 19
The Boys of ’65 Have a Nosh . . .
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. ~ Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. ~ Dave Barry
[The Boys of ’65 had a rare Friday get-together yesterday. Mayo and I hadn’t seen Bradley for quite a while as he has been on the medical reserve list for some time. Although he appeared to be in fine fettle, he still wasn’t ready yet to be extradited from his apartment. So, I gathered some individual pizzas from Zorbaz and we ate in. As usual we spent most of the afternoon discussing the bathroom habits of elderly people, and what pharmaceuticals are best for what symptoms. We are hopeful Bradley will be available for a road trip next month. You will note that his dining room has the appearance of the flight deck of the starship Enterprise – maybe for our next engagement, we can “beam” ourselves to Paris for lunch . . . ]

Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true! ~ Dave Barry

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it’s because you’re TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON’T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER. ~ Dave Barry

He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things. ~ Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. ~ Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. ~ Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. ~ Dave Barry

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom. ~ Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. ~ Dave Barry

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words “Some Assembly Required”. ~ Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes. ~ Dave Barry

In the words of a very famous dead person, ‘A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. ~ Dave Barry

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as ‘a kind of lobster.’ That’s right: more than three quarters of our nation’s youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone. ~ Dave Barry
[For the first Mayo (top row, 3rd from the left) reported that he was in the same basic training unit as Darrell Maloney, Alex class of ’64 . . . ]

The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can’t just say it’s pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: “N’wam k’honi soit qui mali,” which means, “If you think you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be interested in. ~ Dave Barry

So it’s not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled “The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked,” some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. ~ Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ~ Dave Barry
[Since we’re back in basic training again, I can report that Fort Bragg (where I did basic in August 1969) is now named Fort Liberty. Bragg was a confederate general, slave holder, and loser of many battles. We did not have the yearbook photo sessions that Mayo had in Ft. Campbell . . . ]

May 20
The Saturday Morning Doughnut Run . . .
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. ~ Dave Barry
[A double caramel roll gift from Mayo on his visit yesterday almost superseded the Saturday morning doughnut run. Nevertheless, the doughnuts persisted. So, we doubled our pleasure, doubled our fun . . .

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I’m definitely not religious, and I’m very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people’s behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there’s nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don’t know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said ‘If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.’ This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson. ~ Dave Barry
Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. ~ Dave Barry
Up Next: Getting closer to being all caught up . . .