Let’s Play Hockey 3

November 22

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? ~ George Carlin

Another trip to St. Cloud Hospital this morning to see all my new close personal friends.  Turns out all their old scalpels were dull and rusty so they’ve received a new batch and want to try them out on me a couple times.  Seems my right carotid artery is blocked to such an extent that I may have a reason for not remembering anybody’s name.  So that surgery will take place as soon as they let me know.  It will take a couple of hours, a stay in the hospital, and then a few more weeks before they can do the heart triple bypass.  In other words, I will be the first patient in modern (or even classical) medical history to have two major operations for absolutely no symptoms.  Let this be a lesson to you – if you’re feeling OK, go to the emergency room as soon as you can!

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. ~ Joey Bishop

On the way home we stopped at Charlie’s Cafe in Freeport (I’m the only person from Alexandria who’d never eaten there before).  As luck would have it the luncheon special was the beef commercial – another really good chance to clog up some more arteries!  

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. ~ Joey Adams

[At the Cardiac Center in the St. Cloud Hospital . . . ]

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

[And yes, the sculptor is Jane Seymour, the actor . . . ]

It’s kinda scary when a doctor asks your price range. ~ Tom Wilson

A doctor can bury his mistakes. but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. ~ Steve Martin

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ~ Groucho Marx

[Oh boy, we split the special and it was still plenty!]

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. ~ Dave Barry

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. ~ Rita Rudner

[Put on a happy face . . . ]

Y O U R F L Y I S O P E N  would be a fun chart for an eye doctor. ~ Greg Tamblyn 

[Arriving back home to discover the city’s Christmas decorations had been “erected” the previous day . . . ]

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: “No hablo inglés.” ~ Ronnie Shakes

General anesthesia is so weird. You go to sleep in one room, then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college. ~ Ross Shafer

[Unperturbed by the morning’s events, there was a girls hockey game that night! The girls JV had another big win vs. the Brainerd-Little Falls Warriors . . . ]

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know. ~ Will Rogers

[The first game for the pep band . . . ]

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~ Groucho Marx

[This is the hockey equivalent of playing catch . . . ]

According to hospital insurance codes, there are 9 different ways you can be injured by turtles. ~ Wall Street Journal

[Sophomore Tayler Treat (8) displays her wrist shot . . . ]

According to hospital insurance codes, there are 3 different ways you can be injured by a lamppost. ~ Wall Street Journal

[This is sophomore Julia Doherty (7) . . . ]

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors’-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto? ~ Dave Barry

[Cardinal captains junior Kylie Lattimer (11) and Lauren Maras (9) meet the refs and the Warriors . . . ]

Minor surgery is an operation performed on somebody else. ~ Anonymous

[Freshman speedster Lillian Dutton (26) at this end of the line . . . ]

Why do they call it proctology? Is it because analogy was already taken? ~ Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ

[Pre-game player introductions beginning with sophomore goalie Rachael Mohr (30) . . . ]

If I had taken my doctor’s advice and quit smoking [cigars] when he advised me to, I wouldn’t have lived to go to his funeral. ~ George Burns

[Joined by sophomore defense Emma Ramstorf (10) . . . ]

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’. ~ Larry Brown

[Then senior defense Aubrey Porter (23) and sophomore Morgan Aure (17) . . . ]

She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon. ~ Groucho Marx.

[Then sophomore Alena Maras (2) joins in . . . ]

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold. ~ Jerry Vale

[And finally senior Lauren Maras (9) . . . ]

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind; the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

The doctor of the future will give no medicine but will instruct his patient in the care of the human frame, in diet, and the cause and prevention of disease. ~ Thomas Edison

[And we’re off and skating . . . ]

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

[This figured to be another close low scoring game. It was . . . ]

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’ ~ Steven Wright

[Lauren on the faceoff to start period 2 . . . ]

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: It’s a girl. ~ Shirley Chisholm

[And now Lillian on the draw . . . ]

[Julia Doherty (7) battles along the boards . . . ]

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. ~ Milton Berle

[Julia ulimately scored unassisted for the first goal of the game . . . ]

Your face tells a story and it shouldn’t be a story about your drive to the doctor’s office. ~ Julia Roberts

My doctor told me I would never walk again. My mother told me I would. I believed my mother. ~ Wilma Rudloph

[Lauren once again appearing all over the ice . . . ]

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. ~ George Carlin

[Starting to look like some previous games with the Cards winning the shots-on-goal game but losing the shots-in-goal game . . . ]

When a man goes through six years training to be a doctor he will never be the same. He knows too much. ~ Enid Bagnold

[Emma Ramstorf (10) scored to pull the Cardinals within one . . . ]

My eldest sister Beth is a doctor who studied at Harvard and Columbia and played basketball for Harvard. She set the athletic and academic standard for the rest of us to follow. ~ Amy Wambach

[Then junior Sophia Korynta (22) scored to tie the game . . . ]

Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm. ~ Hippocrates

I mean some doctor told me I had six months to live and I went to their funeral. ~ Keith Richards

Time is generally the best doctor. ~ Ovid

[Tie game at the end of regulation. I’ll note the Cards lost sophomore Kennedy Ellingson in the previous game to a broken collar bone, but two players from the swim team are now playing, and the team is hoping for the return of senior Ella Westlund in the near future . . . ]

I wasn’t into sports when I was younger. I was one of those kids who always tried to get a note from the doctor to say I had a cold so I didn’t have to go play hockey in bad weather and be miserable. ~ Eliza Doolittle

[The beginning of the 8-minute overtime period . . . ]

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. ~ Jonathan Swift

[These two teams will always be battling for supremacy in this section . . . ]

November 23

Twas the night before Thanksgiving, a Wednesday to be sure; to keep fine dining going, four attended The Lure; we shared firecracker cauliflower, but had our own drinks; we had a good time, as surely me thinks . . .

When we are sick, we want an uncommon doctor; when we have a construction job to do, we want an uncommon engineer, and when we are at war, we want an uncommon general. It is only when we get into politics that we are satisfied with the common man. ~ Herbert Hoover

The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. ~ Thomas Fuller

Up Next: Well, basketball starts next week . . .