June 22
Knowledge is good. ~ Emil Faber
Why should society feel responsible only for the education of children, and not for the education of all adults of every age? ~ Erich Fromm
This was our occasionally annual visit to Indiana University for yet another week of postsecondary education, this time at Mini University. We spent the school year in Alex attending community education movies alternating bimonthly between documentaries and foreign films, and also attended Senior College for the fall, winter, and spring semesters for two classes each week. Nevertheless, I’m still at a loss to explain racism or America’s gun fetish, each of which are far more difficult to explain than dark matter or string theory. So, the search continues. There were many firsts on our first flight in decades. We were advised to arrive at MSP 2 1/2 hours early. We shuttled from Alex to St. Cloud and arrived at 11:00 for a 1:00 flight. Not one customer in line when we got there. The agent was training a new employee – his son. We flew through and were at our gate by 11:10. Our seats were on the bulkhead, right behind the pilots (Sun Country has no 1st class – it’s totally classless) so for my first time ever, we were the first people off the airplane. But we arrived at the farthest gate from baggage claim in the Indianapolis airport – after a 2 1/2 hour walk we had our bags and were picked up by Ruthie’s sister Rita. The adventure continues . . . ~ Me
The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can’t just say it’s pictures of people naked. . . . But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled “The Girls of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked,” some people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. ~ Dave Barry
June 9
Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income—which he then spends sending his son to college. ~ Bill Vaughn
[This was somewhere on the ride with Rita from the Indianapolis airport to her home in Nashville, Indiana (60 miles). Rob Hill is Ruthie’s son. We had no idea . . . ]
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. ~ Winston Churchill
[Ruthie’s sister Rita’s classic log home in Nashville (population 1,266), located 18 miles east of Bloomington and the Indiana University campus . . . ]
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. ~ Daniel J. Boorstin
[“The Biddies” outside Rita’s house, which was built in the 1930’s, as I recall, with logs retrieved from a building that was obviously much older . . . ]
Headbangers are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts. ~ Dave Barry
[Dinner the first night in Nashville at the Sycamore Saloon . . . ]
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. ~ Dave Barry
[A current area hot spot with such amenities as live music and outdoor dining . . . ]
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals like Hydrogen and Oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ~ Dave Barry
[Inside, early enough to beat the evening rush hour . . . ]
The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair some of these kids would have never understood algebra anyway. ~ Dave Barry
[Rita’s son Dave joined us and was familiar with the musicians playing that evening. We finished dining before the music started . . . ]
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. ~ Dave Barry
[Son and mom. Dave works at Cummins, Inc. in Columbus, Indiana, which is 18 miles east of Nashville – meaning Nashville is the exact halfway point between Bloomington (population 80,000) and Columbus (population 50,000) . . . ]
There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat. ~ Dave Barry
[Pollock was the evening’s special – it was quite tasty . . . ]
June 10
Our chief marketable skill, coming out of college, is the ability to write authoritatively about things we don’t necessarily understand. ~ Dave Barry
[Different angles of view for Rita’s house . . . ]
Which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. ~ Dave Barry
Regular adult Americans are no more capable of doing math than they are of photosynthesis. ~ Dave Barry
Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. ~ Dave Barry
[Next we walked into downtown Nashville, the subject of many of the following photos . . . ]
Some years ago I proposed a new tourism-promotion slogan for Miami. I even had a bumper sticker made. It said: ‘Come back to Miami! We Weren’t Shooting at YOU’. ~ Dave Barry
[Nashville is a very artsy community. And when you’re there shopping, you don’t have to worry about the above Miami motto . . . ]
Oh, I’m not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example. ~ Dave Barry
Did you hear about the toilet being stolen from the police station? The cops have nothing to go on. ~ Dave Barry
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. ~ Dave Barry
[“The Biddies” can, and literally do, spend several hours in a place like this . . . ]
Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.” ~ Dave Barry
[“The Biddies” prepare to cross the street at the main Nashville intersection for breakfast at the Hob Nob Restaurant, famed in song and story . . . ]
The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it’s not easy. ~ Dave Barry
[“The Biddies” noticed I had a bruise or something by my right eye. Stuff happens . . . ]
By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely discredited as a medical procedure; today it is rarely used outside of Miami. ~ Dave Barry
[Breakfast at the Hob Nob. We were lucky to get a table . . . ]
The reason is that you eat too many foods that are high in “calories,” which are little units that measure how good a particular food tastes. Fudge, for example, has a great many calories, whereas celery, which is not really a food at all but a member of the plywood family, provided by Mother Nature so that mankind would have a way to get onion dip into his mouth at parties, has none. ~ Dave Barry
She had large, wide-set green eyes, and long brown hair that curled slightly and turned to gold at the tips. She wore a long, straight blue dress that accentuated the slimness of her frame. She was perhaps an inch taller than Peter, and by the look of her she took baths. ~ Dave Barry
[I waited and waited for “The Biddies” to come out. Apparently there were major delays at the ladies room . . . ]
Or they laughed at Indiana, because the people there proudly call themselves Hoosiers even though they have no idea what Hoosier means. Some historians believe it comes from the Shawnee expression “ho’o-sa’ars,” or “people who cannot explain their nickname. ~ Dave Barry
Simply by eliminating description, the screenwriter can work his way through the entire plot in a single morning, leaving the afternoon free for screenwriter leisure activities such as drugs. ~ Dave Barry
Sometimes I think the main purpose of professional sports is to give guys something to talk about that does not involve them personally. ~ Dave Barry
Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground. ~ Dave Barry
[The wait lines at the Hob Nob have grown outside the building . . . ]
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~ Dave Barry
So for some reason everybody makes this huge deal about pandas. I don’t know why. They never actually do anything except eat and poop. But they’re really famous. ~ Dave Barry
[Words fail me . . . ]
Every single human cell contains “DNA,” which is a special molecule that your body leaves behind at crime scenes so the police can identify you. ~ Dave Barry
[Nashville is so classy it turned its old library into an exquisite public restroom . . . ]
Fort Lauderdale is sometimes called The Venice of America by people who clearly have never been to Venice. ~ Dave Barry
In my experience, any trend that reaches the point where large organizations are inflicting it on their personnel has a high statistical probability of being stupid. ~ Dave Barry
Our original idea was to write a book titled Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games, by J.K. Rowling with Stephen King: A John Grisham Novel. ~ Dave Barry
Of course most of us find it difficult to talk about insects without bringing up the subject of sex. ~ Dave Barry
No reason to join a fight until you know what side you’re on. ~ Dave Barry
Boy is this journey ever long. Also arduous. ~ Dave Barry
I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4. ~ Dave Barry
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you’ll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal. ~ Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. ~ Dave Barry
You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won’t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It’s printed right here in a published book! ~ Dave Barry
Up Next: You may have noticed Mini-U cut in line. I still have many stories in the archives. They will have to wait while Mini U plays itself out . . .
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